Never ever take unlicensed medicine.
I received a call from my mother before I left for school and she was sobbing hard. Grandma had took a turn for the worse and they were sending her home. I didn't know how to feel.... But on the way to school I started crying. I told myself I must be strong and stop crying. But the thought of her passing away was so.. Indescribable. I started crying again in class and I couldn't stop. 3pm plus and I rushed home. There lay grandma and I started sobbing harder. She's surviving on the oxygen tank, and she doesn't have much time left. I shouted "Ah ma, ah ma, I am ah hui!" Her eyes opened. They were yellower than before. Her eyeballs couldn't move at all. She couldn't speak no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't move anything but her fingers, and only twice.
Just three days ago. First of March. There she was, still lying fine and talking fine, albeit a bit breathless as usual. It was my elder brother's birthday so I got him on Skype and we video-called. She could still wish him happy birthday. The doctors had tried to diagnose what's wrong with her, but she was uncooperative. They fed her sleeping pills so that they could find out what's wrong but she struggled and struggled to stay awake so the doctors couldn't do anything. We knew, she was afraid to pass away. Yet, she refused to take any medicine that was prescribed to her. She lost so much weight at first, but suddenly she just ballooned up. I knew something was wrong.
Few weeks ago. Every night at 4am onwards, I can hear her trying to vomit in her bedroom. I could feel her pain but I couldn't do anything. Few nights I would check on her. She was sitting up on her bed at 4am, trying her best to vomit but nothing came out. Everything we placed into her mouth was all rejected, even water. She asked for me to massage her legs. She asked for me to lightly pat her legs. She asked for my hand to hold on to. I could feel how scared she was to pass away. I could feel the strength draining from her arms already. My heart pains for her. Soon she couldn't take the pain in her body anymore and asked to be transferred back to SGH.
Few months ago. She was transferred to St. Luke's hospital and everything was fine, except for her legs. They managed to extract a lot of urine out from her bladder and she wasn't in much pain as before. Soon she was discharged from St. Luke's hospital to rest at home. She still looked energetic. But all she did was to lay in bed and refused to go out. She didn't want to go under the sun at all. She could still make conversations with me without feeling breathless.. But she was in pain. So much pain but she wouldn't tell it to us.
More months ago. She started to lose mobility in her legs and relied on crutches. One of her legs had already given way. I remember this one night when she insisted on going to the toilet herself when her leg gave way and she fell to the ground. She hit her mouth and it started bleeding. There was a bruise on her leg after that. Her legs were often in pain and we had to massage it for her almost 24/7. Soon, both legs lost their mobility and she had to rely on a wheelchair. We managed to celebrate her 73rd birthday together, but the happiness was short-lived. The pain got so bad that we had to admit her to SGH.
Few years ago, she was so loud and energetic. Everyday she would wake up at 6am and head out at 7am to the jurong market to meet her friends. She would keep asking me why my friends stopped coming for mahjong, and I would always tell her it's because they're all in army and no longer as free to come by. She loves crowds, she likes it whenever my friends came by and they'd all talk to her. Anything I need, I'll just have to ask her and she has it. Everything I buy for her, she loves it and asks for more. She loves to eat salty food, so salty that it's detrimental to health. So I'd buy those preserved food for her, asking her to consume those before eating so that she doesn't eat such salty food. She wanted more of the preserved food I bought for her, but I no longer have the chance to buy it for her.
Now. Here I am, sitting beside her bed typing all these. I have to listen hard to her breathing in case it gets shallower.. I'm so afraid. I can't look at grandma at all. I can't think of anything at all. All I keep doing is to cry and cry and I can't stop. I have to stay strong, I cannot cry, but I really can't do it. My heart hurts so so bad. She looks so tired, probably because she had been struggling to stay awake for so long and her body finally gave in to sleep. I don't want to sleep, because I want to stay by her side till the very end. I don't know if she'll get out of this comatose but I'm praying hard she would just talk to us. We couldn't figure out what she's trying to say because she can't talk anymore. The only time I'd ever stop crying is if grandma is out of my mind. The sight of her struggling like this, this pain in me is so unbearable. I cannot control myself but cry. I've been crying the whole day and my tears never seemed to dry. I'm still waiting for my elder brother to fly back in time. Please let him be in time. Please let grandma hold on..
You haven't fried the chicken wings that you promised to fry for me. You have to wake up and ask me again if the clothes that you're wearing matches or not..
Grandma, you're the strongest person I have ever known. I love you.
1:11 AM